Position Wanted

I saw this over at Paper Pleasing Ideas, a blog I frequent and thought it was appropriate.

http://paperpleasing.typepad.com/my_weblog/

Besides being amusing, she's got some really great paper crafting ideas and tutorials. I have of course changed some things around to fit my family, but you get the general idea.

WANTED!

I am looking for someone to help me. The following would be your job description:

Personal Chef - there needs to be 3 meals made per day. They should be ones that picky children and a husband will eat with no complaining. Try and do this while keeping it healthy and with in the boundaries of the food guide. Snacks may also be requested at any given time, with a lot of whining or sneaking. Baking will be required and then guarded so that it's not devoured in one day flat.
Laundry- there will be lots of it. You must be adept at stain removal, especially chocolate, which a little girl will manage to get on most of her clothes and occasional mending.
House Cleaning- 1400 X 3 floors worth need to be kept immaculate, for those moments when guests drop in unannounced. This includes washing floors after numerous sticky spills per day, picking up torn bits of stuffed animals before you vacuum, dusting all the shelves. After the several hours put into cleaning, be prepared to do it all over again after a 15 second whirlwind comes through and destorys things again. Bonus - no knick knacks, there's no where to put them anyways.
Personal Shopper - Groceries need to be bought for the aforementioned meals. Clothes will also need to be purchased for the holes that could not be repaired. You will need to have patience and tolerance, since 2 small boys and a little girl that want EVERYTHING, will be with you. They will be as loud as possible and will stop at nothing, lots of tears can be expected and herding skills will be an asset.
Chauffeur- Need to have a valid driver's license and need to be available for this at the drop of a hat for quick trips to the store for milk. The bonus for you, is that you have the use of my vehicle and I pay for gas, just don't mind the moldy french fries in the back seat, or the garbage all over the floor. You may occasionally sit on a toy, or have one thrown at your head while driving.
Nurse- This position alone requires 24 hour on call dedication. You will know when you are needed by heart wrenching screams or cries that can break glass, if you do not get them quiet ASAP. Usually a quick kiss or band-aid is enough to fix the problem, but the chauffeur position comes in handy for a more disastrous ailment.
Nanny- I have previously stated that there will be 2 small boys and a little girl. You will need to provide for their every whim. You will need to be a referee, as they have hit the age where fighting becomes a minute by minute occurrence, usually over a toy that we have doubles of. They will test your patience by sneaking food right before a meal and spraying any sort of liquid onto mirrors all over the house. They will also undo any good cleaning or tidying you have just completed. They will also come up to you at anytime with a hug kiss, or a precious "I love you", and then go back to the mud. Bathing will also be a task unto itself as each child has different tolerances for getting their hair wet. They will also manage to have at least 1/2 of the water outside of the tub.

This position is ready for immediate filling, and I may even take references. Please feel free to email me with your resume or willingness... I may just take the latter.